The Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game
UPDATE: After conducting an analysis of the first half of the 2016 season, The rules of the drinking game have been revised to make the end result slightly less... lethal.
It's official: I took the leap and watched Bachelor in Paradise for the first time ever. In case you missed my review, I found the third flavor offered by the Bachelor Franchise to be as delightful as expected despite a too-prominent note of Chad. Luckily, his behavior and lack of bowel control seem to have disqualified him from participating beyond his set-up-to-but-won't-really-be-dramatic return to terrorize the remaining contestants when the second episode picks up where we left off. Unlike the Bachelorette, I think excising Grumpy BadScruff and his drama will improve this show; I didn't turn on a show full of really, really, ridiculously good-looking people at an open bar to watch one man get drunk and demean every female participant.
There was something critical missing from my viewing experience for episode 1, though, and it wasn't difficult to identify. Without a Drinking Game to guide me, I had to set my own pace while watching a bunch of confusingly desperate people get sloppy on a beach. You know that feeling you get as the designated driver, when you suddenly realize everyone has passed the point of intoxication where it's still enjoyable to talk to them? This was a similar sensation, except I didn't have to go through the trouble of putting on pants or herding people into a car at 2:00 AM. The point is: this show seems more fun to watch if you can put yourself in the contestants' frame of mind, and to do so you'll need an adult beverage or five. Let's take a look at the first edition of Questionably Qualified's newest drinking game:
The Questionably Qualified Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules:
1 Drink Every Time:
- A contestant orders a drink; support your entertainers!
- Every "cheers!" or "toast"; it's reflexive for me, so why not?
- An animal is shown; snakes, crabs, and birds got a lot of screentime
- Chris Harrison sighting; his job seems incredible, and I'll drink to that
- Someone says "Paradise"; these people might think it's a real place
- Someone says a form of the word "drink"; classic, consistent, and easy
2 Drinks Every Time:
- A contestant finds a new snogging partner; the show encourages polyamory, don't act surprised!
- Someone talks about a hangover; it seems like a natural topic of discussion, but they (almost) all looked good after night one
- Someone eats on camera; the untouched food in this franchise is a pet peeve of mine, so if they actually eat it, I like to celebrate
3 Drinks Every Time:
- ABC censors nudity or near-nudity; I still support pantslessness whenever possible*
5 Drinks Every Time:
- Some incredibly desperate person tells another incredibly desperate person "I love you"; it's a little sad, but a lot funny
These Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game rules are not set in stone. I'll be adjusting them throughout the season, targeting a rate of one drink every two minutes. That comes out to about two and a half beverages per hour, which should leave us neither irresponsibly drunk nor sober
Have feedback, questions, or suggestions? Send it all to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*rule changed from all instances of censorship including blurred mouths