Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 1: Chad Poops the Bed, if the Bed is his Pants

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 1: Chad Poops the Bed, if the Bed is his Pants

With the play button in the Hulu window relentlessly staring me down from my second monitor, I start to wonder if recapping this third form of the Bachelor Franchise is really a good idea. The concept of Bachelor in Paradise is basically bulletproof: take men and women attractive and desperate enough to go on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette and film them on an all-inclusive beach vacation. Just typing that sentence makes me feel a little better about this endeavor. A few notes before we get started:

  1. I will be drinking for many of these episodes, but most rules of the Bachelor Drinking Game won't apply. I'll have to come up with new ones as I watch. I'll share them in an official QQ Drinking Game post when they're fully formed.
  2. I've never watched this show before, so I'll be even more confused than usual.
  3. I'll use names when I can, but as you may have noticed in my Bachelorette coverage, I have a hard time remembering contestants.

Okay, let's crack a beer, sit back and press play!

Based on the season intro, there will be fights (there won't), hookups (duh), and proposals (wait, really?). We get a delightfully tacky supercut of the season's cast, and we're placed back in Chris Harrison's capable hosting hands. They're full at the moment, though:



Damn, I really want his job.

Damn, I really want his job.

Meet the Bachelor(ette)s in Paradise:

Let's make this quick: Haley and Emily, twins from Bachelor Ben's season; Nick was a runner-up in two separate seasons of The Bachelorette, which seems sad until you consider he was able to take off ten weeks at a time, twice, to travel the world and try to win one woman's love; Jubilee is best known for not getting along with other girls and for having an actual talentMangloves Evan is back to be annoying and look punchable; Chad, known as Grumpy BadScruff on QQ, is here as the prime suspect in Evan-punching; Lace will try to keep her cool rather than withdraw from the competitionDaniel the Drunken Canadian will make frequent, occasionally enjoyable jokes; Amanda will somehow say she is appearing on reality television for the sake of her children. 

Amanda immediately manages to annoy me in another way: she's wearing the same style top I thought looked ridiculous in Ben's season. If this is fashionable, I'm genuinely bummed out.

What is this, though? Why does it have sleeves that are attached to the dress?! Just wear a tube top, Amanda!

What is this, though? Why does it have sleeves that are attached to the dress?! Just wear a tube top, Amanda!

Nick, you get some knucks for rocking classic Chucks and a short-sleeve shirt with shorts. Some people *cough* *Robby* *cough* can't seem to figure that out.

Bachelor Knucks

Mangloves Evan shows up looking as punchable as ever, but he could fit well with Amanda because he's also a parent. The ladies think he's cuter in person than on TV, and who am I to tell them they're wrong? Hopefully one of them can convince him to shave his bizarro goatee.

Vinny lets out a warcry upon arrival. Totally reasonable for an all-inclusive vacation. Some woman I don't recognize shows up and says someone broke her heart. I guess her name is Carly

Grant the fireman arrives, reuniting the clans of men and women.

Really, y'all? You went on Bachelor in Paradise and you're going to stand on opposite ends of the beach bar like a middle school dance?

Really, y'all? You went on Bachelor in Paradise and you're going to stand on opposite ends of the beach bar like a middle school dance?

Daniel the Drunken Canadian perpetuates stereotypes about his people by arriving in jorts. Nick earns some more knucks for calling back the moment when Chad ate a raw sweet potato.

Sarah, a woman with one arm who I remember thinking was pretty cool on...someone's season, arrives, followed by the twins, who have an eye on Daniel early. A woman named Izzy is next; she has a conversation with Daniel that goes quite poorly. The drinks continue to flow, and the cast of Bachelor in Paradise make their way into the water.

I thought we were done meeting contestants, but Jared (who I don't recognize at all), shows up in a long sleeved shirt rolled up to his elbows. You're on the beach in Mexico, dude, go casual and wear a short-sleeve shirt. Even Daniel knew to do that, and he wore jorts! 

Mangloves Evan, wearing a truly confounding set of accessories on his wrist, discusses his hopes of a Chad-less season with Grant:

For the man who wants the bulk of an obtrusive, high-end watch but none of the functionality or craftsmanship.

For the man who wants the bulk of an obtrusive, high-end watch but none of the functionality or craftsmanship.

Of course this leads into Chad's arrival on set. His reception is mixed, with most of the ladies seeing a degree of allure. Sarah sums up this attraction by rattling off the classic excuses made by people in terrible relationships:

"Here's the thing about Chad: I think he could be interesting. Like, I could even see it. I think Chad's the kind that you have to kind of like, etch away at, and you're like 'oh, he's misunderstood, and like a lot of people think he's a douchebag, but I think he's like, really funny and charming, and then you like, kinda get away those layers from him, and then you like fall in love with him."

"Here's the thing about Chad: I think he could be interesting. Like, I could even see it. I think Chad's the kind that you have to kind of like, etch away at, and you're like 'oh, he's misunderstood, and like a lot of people think he's a douchebag, but I think he's like, really funny and charming, and then you like, kinda get away those layers from him, and then you like fall in love with him."

I was jumping to say "when a lot of people think someone's a douchebag, he's probably a douchebag", but Carly can handle this one:

"That makes me sad about life."

"That makes me sad about life."

Lace doesn't do much to set her crazy reputation to rest, feeling a connection with Chad right off the bat. Before engaging the opposite sex, Grumpy BadScruff takes a moment to rekindle his international bromance:

Bachelor in Paradise Chad and Daniel

Fortunately for me, Chris Harrison explains the situation to the group. Date cards will be dropped off with the name of a person who can then choose anyone to take on a one-on-one date. At the end of each week, the men and women will alternate handing out roses to the opposite sex. One (kind of weird) caveat to that rule: the twins come as a package deal. I talked about it in Ben's season, but one guy can't really date twins and not have it be SUPER weird. This is real life, not Game of Thrones.

Competition begins sprouting up among the ladies, with one of the twins and Jubilee both very into Jared; Jubilee strikes first, using the first date card to approach him and ask for a date. She approaches Jared and confidently asks him out. Well done, Jubilee! Knucks to you.

The rest of the cast continues drinking; Grant and Lace hit the bar together, but Lace is quickly intoxicated past the point of conversation. She moves on to Chad, they immediately hit it off in a weird, super aggressive way, and win the race to the first snog of the season. Izzy complains about sitting in close proximity to our snogging psychos, but I'm blaming her on this one. She and Vinny could go anywhere else, but instead:

"Ugh, that's so gross! I wish there were other pools or an ocean or a bar or places where other people were sitting so we didn't have to sit right here!" - Izzy, probably

"Ugh, that's so gross! I wish there were other pools or an ocean or a bar or places where other people were sitting so we didn't have to sit right here!" - Izzy, probably

Their particular brand of foreplay continues, becoming the primary point of conversation for the other contestants. At least one of them refers to the hookup accommodations as the Boom Boom Room, which could be my favorite moment in Bachelor Franchise history. Unfortunately the Lace and Chad courting process dominates the episode.

One-on-One Date: Jubilee and Jared

Ugh. Long sleeves and shorts. To clarify my stance on this fashion choice: it isn't about the resulting look. It looks just fine. It's just conceptually stupid. If you roll your sleeves, they get wrinkled, and you have to wear them rolled until your next dry cleaning. If it's too hot to wear sleeves, just don't wear sleeves! They make short-sleeve button-downs!

Anyway, Jubilee mentions Lord of the Rings to earn some nerd credibility, but cites the relationship between Sam and Frodo as a favorite component. That's...weird. They both pronounce Aragorn without the second 'r' and discuss his relationship with Legolas, who is a good friend but not in a relationship with him like Arwen. Anyway, ABC decides they hate Jubilee, Jared, and all their viewers, because a clown pops out of the pinatas to surprise them. Don't feel bad for jumping, Jubilee! I'd be scooping my girlfriend up and sprinting in the opposite direction! Holy hell, why would you do something like this?! Ahhhhhhhh! 

A terrifying voiceless clown miming sexual intercourse. Thanks a lot, Bachelor in Paradise.

A terrifying voiceless clown miming sexual intercourse. Thanks a lot, Bachelor in Paradise.

Vinny and Izzy are the second duo to pair up, snogging in the ocean at night. He's developing feelings, which is fast, sort of sweet, and terrible for the drama of the show.

Lace sobers enough to send an entirely hammered Grumpy BadScruff away, edging him into Angry BadScruff territory (with an elevated BAC, he advances through his forms much faster). Daniel tells his partner in bromance that people are scared of him, and Angry BadScruff gives the classic tanked move of agreeing without acknowledging or understanding. No one seems happy with him, and Sarah has the guts to step forward, saying "The way you're talking about women is so disrespectful. I want NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING." All the knucks to you Sarah, that was impressive! 

Daniel tries to reason with the Wasted BadScruff, but ultimately gives up, leaving him to pass out in the sand next to a crab.

Bachelor in Paradise Chad Crab Pass Out

The Morning After

Chad sleeps off his hangover as the rest of the contestants mingle on the beach and attempt to bring back the backward hat look:

I remember when this look was good, because it was around the time I first saw Space Jam. That was 1996.

I remember when this look was good, because it was around the time I first saw Space Jam. That was 1996.

Apparently Wasted BadScruff lost control of his bowels, but he joins the rest of the group as though nothing happened. 

Chris calls the group together and demands an explanation from Chad, who fails to provide one and admits to not knowing what "glib" means. Told he will be going home, Chad lashes out at everyone, curses some crabs, and opens the door for Nick to drop some knowledge:

"I have a lot of friends whose parents have passed away, and they're not !@$*($#. It doesn't make it okay."

"I have a lot of friends whose parents have passed away, and they're not !@$*($#. It doesn't make it okay."

On his way out, Angry BadScruff throws a weak insult at Chris Harrison, saying he fell asleep last night with a mimosa in his robe. In what world is that an insult? That sounds like an amazing way to fall asleep, and reinforces everything I already believed about Chris's amazing job. Finally, we cut to the To Be Continued Screen.

Such drama! Such suspense! Such embarrassing behavior! The premiere definitely hit the marks I expected it to, and we'll be continuing coverage through the rest of the season. Hopefully I'll have a drinking game to go with it soon!

Update, 8/16/16 - I re-watched this episode for the Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game, and it somehow racked up 235 drinks. Needless to say, revisions are needed. I'll be posting those updates soon!

In case you missed our coverage of the Bachelorette, which just wrapped up last week:



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