Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 3: Do Josh and Amanda Have Gills?

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 3: Do Josh and Amanda Have Gills?

Mercifully, the second part of this week's episode is "only" 43 minutes long without commercials. Apparently two hours in the first part wasn't enough. Let's get through this together.

Josh and Amanda have picked up right where they left off: tonsils deep in each other's mouths while she wears a ridiculous top. Nick is not taking the development very well, as you might imagine. 

Daniel spends some time with Sarah, behaving in his very odd but also entertaining manner that can only be described as "Canadian". Christian from JoJo's season is the newest addition to our cast and immediately makes a move for respectful decision of the year by asking the other guys about existing relationships. Without firm words from anyone but Josh, Christian takes Sarah aside and asks her on a one-on-one date. A dejected Daniel disappears down the beach as the night comes to a close.



The Next Morning

Nick and Daniel discuss the condition of the Paradise Pad and the existing couples. Daniel continues his streak of extreme likability with some suggestions for Evan in his courtship of Carly: 

"The problem is, Evan likes Carly a lot...but she told me, she's not physically attracted to Evan. I could help him out, I think. We could fix the hair up a little bit. Shave off...whatever he's got going on down there. Evan could just be less...Evan-ish."

"The problem is, Evan likes Carly a lot...but she told me, she's not physically attracted to Evan. I could help him out, I think. We could fix the hair up a little bit. Shave off...whatever he's got going on down there. Evan could just be less...Evan-ish."

Evan, meanwhile, is recapping his date with Carly for Vinny, who looks like he'd rather be letting the omnipresent crabs pinch his sensitive regions. Carly tells the other girls how terrible the date was before ultimately making the difficult decision to take Evan aside and place him gently in the Friend Zone. She does so directly, succinctly, and apologetically. Big knucks to you, Carly; that can't be easy, regardless of how preposterous the relationship might be.

Bachelor in Paradise Episode 3 Knucks

Evan predictably takes the news hard and retreats to his room to cry. Literally, not figuratively. If he wasn't so incredibly punchable, I might even feel bad for him. Alas, I do not.

The combination of a tank top (bad) with a pocket (worse), that necklace and bracelet(s?!), and that tattoo...no pity, just want to punch him.

The combination of a tank top (bad) with a pocket (worse), that necklace and bracelet(s?!), and that tattoo...no pity, just want to punch him.

One-on-One Date: Christian and Sarah

The dates on Bachelor in Paradise are rather uninspired. This time the couple goes ziplining, repelling, and...waterfall-watching. which ends in a snog but is otherwise pretty dull.



Back at the Paradise Pad 

The newest arrival fails to trigger Chris Harrison's memory. His name is Brandon, he says he was on Desiree's season, and he continues the trend of ridiculous necklaces. Carly is really digging his vibe, but is entirely crushed when he chooses Haley for his one-on-one date.

Whatever you do, Carly, don't rebound with Evan. Just go talk to Daniel if you start to feel weak, the man speaks the truth.

Whatever you do, Carly, don't rebound with Evan. Just go talk to Daniel if you start to feel weak, the man speaks the truth.

In response to the news of her sister getting a one-on-one date, Emily hits the bar with a vengeance. She gets sloppy quickly and moves from complimenting the other women to crying because her hair is not braided. I don't know how she got drunk so quickly, but knucks to her.

Bachelor in Paradise Episode 3 Knucks

Christian and Sarah return to the Paradise Pad and rehash their date for an audience that couldn't care less. It seems to phase the normally unflappable Daniel, who responds by comparing himself to an eagle. 

Nothing has changed between Josh and Amanda, who continue snogging DEEPLY. I'd post a picture for your reference, but I don't want our website to be labeled pornographic. Nick realizes he needs to make a move elsewhere in order to survive the week. 

Daniel makes a real move for Sarah, arranging chocolate covered strawberries and champagne on the weird intimate outdoor couch.

Daniel is using the tools at his disposal wisely, but really what is this piece of furniture? It's a canopied futon sitting in the open, vulnerable to the elements and probably covered with sand. That doesn't sound romantic or comfortable.

Daniel is using the tools at his disposal wisely, but really what is this piece of furniture? It's a canopied futon sitting in the open, vulnerable to the elements and probably covered with sand. That doesn't sound romantic or comfortable.

Sarah enjoys this impromptu one-on-one date and uses the time to dig a little deeper into who Daniel really is. He pulls the upset of the season by opening up and flashing some seemingly genuine vulnerability. I didn't think you had it in you, Daniel, so here are some knucks:

Bachelor in Paradise Episode 3 Knucks

One-on-One Date: Brandon and Haley

Haley reveals to us that she plans to pull a switcheroo during her date. That's right, they're going to swap places during dinner and see if Brandon, who just met them today, can tell the difference. Before her discussion with Brandon gets too serious, Haley excuses herself to the restroom, where she trades clothes with Emily. This puts Brandon in an extremely awkward situation no matter what happens next. He does not notice they've traded places, but really, what was the best-case scenario in this situation? If he calls the switcheroo out immediately, will the twins be thrilled and decide he's the one? Come on.

Back at the Paradise Pad

Three couples cuddle and then make out side by side by side:

Nothing much to add, I just want you to understand how ridiculous this show gets. Shortly after is a panoramic of all three couples snogging.

Nothing much to add, I just want you to understand how ridiculous this show gets. Shortly after is a panoramic of all three couples snogging.

Obviously, Evan decides this is his chance to make a move on Amanda; when a DNA swab of her mouth would show 50% her and 50% Josh. He begins by writing a card...to himself? To remind himself he deserves love? Ugh. We'll have to wait until next week to see him fail, because this one ends with To Be Continued!

For those keeping track at home, this episode tallied 47 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game.



Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 4: Josh Passionately Engages a Pizza in Amanda's Absence

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 4: Josh Passionately Engages a Pizza in Amanda's Absence

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 2: One Raging Male Leaves, Another Enters

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 2: One Raging Male Leaves, Another Enters