The Bachelorette Recap - Rachel Lindsay Episode 3: Ellen, Mudwrestling, and Horse Cupcakes

The Bachelorette Recap - Rachel Lindsay Episode 3: Ellen, Mudwrestling, and Horse Cupcakes

When we left off last week, DeMario the Deceptive had returned to the Bachelor Mansion to explain...something about his kinda-sorta-ex's appearance. I doubt he'll improve his standing in the attempt, but I know one thing for sure: the preview suggesting a real, physical confrontation will prove to be a gross misrepresentation.

Rachel can make all our lives better by eliminating Wahboom in the impending Rose Ceremony, but afterwards the field will have plenty of time to gain ground on our front-runners, Peter and Bryan. Let's dive right in to Week 3 of Rachel's adventures as The Bachelorette!


At the Bachelor Mansion

Rachel decides to hear DeMario out as a form of respect; he issues a well-practiced and comprehensive apology, but it seems our Bachelorette is more perceptive than Lexi. Rachel tells DeMario he behaved like a boy instead of a man and sends him away for the second time that day. It's official: she's my favorite Bachelorette of all time. Knucks, Rachel.

The Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Knucks

With DeMario the Dismissed out of the way, the standard sequence of snipped interactions proceeds uneventf-DEAR GOD JONATHAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

This guy's screentime should come with a "Try at Your Own Risk" warning. That said, Rachel seems to enjoy them, so touché, Jonathan.

This guy's screentime should come with a "Try at Your Own Risk" warning. That said, Rachel seems to enjoy them, so touché, Jonathan.

Alex works on a Rubik's Cube while talking to Rachel, successfully conveying some degree of intelligence. I'm pretty sure I'd find it distracting and detrimental to the quality of conversation, but we've already seen mannequins and a dazzling display of un-athleticism this season, so the bar is low. You've got a foreign accent and neatly maintained scruff, so you're safe.

Will dunks on a kiddie hoop and gets a snog. Wahboom sounds tipsy and tells Rachel he saw Blake standing over his bed and eating a banana in the middle of the night (PLEASE let this be true). Blake denies any such bananagans (banana shenanigans), and soon after Chris Harrison arrives (drink) to summon the competitors to their judgment.

The Rose Ceremony

Moving on: Bryan, Dean, Bryce, Eric, Anthony, Will, Jonathan, Jack, Matt, Alex, Adam, Kenny, Brady, Lee, Iggy, Fred, and Diggy

Heading home: Blake, Wahboom, and Jamey

There's a pretty entertaining buffoonish argument between Blake and Wahboom on the way out, but it can't be done justice with pictures. Here's the link, and a final shot of Wahboom to remind us how annoying he was:

I couldn't have said it better myself. Nor would I, for fear of summoning his spirit in a terrifying twist on Bloody Mary or Biggie Smalls.

I couldn't have said it better myself. Nor would I, for fear of summoning his spirit in a terrifying twist on Bloody Mary or Biggie Smalls.

Group Date: Lights, Camera, Action

Bryan, Peter, Alex, Will, Jonathan, and Fred are joining Rachel on Ellen. I don't watch her show, but I've always enjoyed her clips and commentary. She doesn't stumble here, immediately disparaging the introductions of Jonathan the Tickle Monster and Will the initially-Urkel. I mean, I'm not saying I'm the next Ellen, but those critiques do sound familiar...

After a brief back-and-forth, Ellen invites the men on stage, and soon they're shirtless and dancing with members of the audience; to their credit, all six jump right in and seem genuinely eager to make a positive impression. Alex even gives a grandma a bit of a show!

He even apologized to "whoever's grandma that was" in a camera confessional. A classy move.

He even apologized to "whoever's grandma that was" in a camera confessional. A classy move.

Next up is the classic game "Never Have I Ever." Let's summarize the results:

  • Peter and Alex claim to not have thought of having sex with Rachel
  • Alex peed in the Bach Mansion pool
  • Alex, Peter, and Will have texted nude selfies
  • Fred hooked up with someone twice his age
  • Fred met Rachel prior to coming on The Bachelorette and admits to having a crush on her in grade school, and
  • Peter, Bryan, and Will have all kissed Rachel

Group Date Cocktail Party

Rachel tells Alex he was the winner of the unofficial dance-in-the-crowd contest, but he wants to be seen as more than just a piece of meat. He draws a connection between Rachel's focus on his left eye, and the emotional openness it implies (the right eye suggests more logical processing). I don't know if there's any scientific backing for what he says, but it earns him a snog.

While Rachel spends one-on-one time with the other men, Fred is beginning to panic. He finally gets his chance to speak with her alone, and asks permission to kiss her. After a pause of astonishment, Rachel gives him an opening and they snog. Unfortunately for Fred, Rachel isn't feeling it the way he is, and she sends him home soon after. Tough break, Fred, but in the words of Shea Serrano, you shot your shot. The only thing you can do is keep shooting.

Rachel returns to the cocktail party and gives the group date rose to Alex.

One-on-One Date: Meet Me at the Rodeo

Anthony finds Rachel waiting for him on a horse on Rodeo drive. I think he does well, but he looks as tense as I would be riding a horse for the first time:

The combination of excitement and utter helplessness should something go awry is a powerful aphrodisiac.

The combination of excitement and utter helplessness should something go awry is a powerful aphrodisiac.

They ride their mounts right into a store, where they try on some cowboy boots, hats, and large belt buckles without ever leaving their saddles. As if this date wasn't already making Kat jealous (and presenting me with a difficult logistical challenge for our next trip to L.A.), their next stop is a Sprinkles ATM. Alongside their usual offerings are "Horse Cupcakes"; it's a bad name, but a great concept in a city like L.A. where people with plenty of disposable income might be riding horses down the street.

At dinner, Anthony talks like a mature, grounded, adult man, which is simultaneously very refreshing and unfortunately boring. He deservedly and uneventfully accepts a rose from Rachel, and they walk off to a private concert (drink).

Group Date: Sometimes in Relationships, the Women Have to Take Charge

Rachel shows up at the Bachelor Mansion with Corinne, Raven, Alexis, and Jasmine, who have planned the day's group date and who will be helping her evaluate the men involved. After a little pole dancing on the limo, our party arrives at a saloon where the men will be mudwrestling. Knucks for the gender reversal play on this one, ABC.

The Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Week 3 Knucks

Like the competition in Week 1, Kenny seems to be at a natural advantage. He didn't win last time, but the Pretty Boy Pitbull immediately gets into character for this challenge.

First up: Brady and Bryce - Bryce ends up winning the first round, but the real winner is Brady's hair, which somehow remained entirely clean:

It's uncanny. Does whatever he puts in his hair actively repel all things not hair? He definitely has a television career ahead of him.

It's uncanny. Does whatever he puts in his hair actively repel all things not hair? He definitely has a television career ahead of him.

Kenny dispatches Jack in no time at all, but even a beatdown from the Pretty Boy Pitbull can't stop Jack from smiling his terrifying smile. A few suplexes are followed by the best move of the day, which deserves to be included both here and in the article cover:

This move is highly ranked in every "Demonstrating Dominance for a Mutual Love Interest" list I found.

This move is highly ranked in every "Demonstrating Dominance for a Mutual Love Interest" list I found.

Unfortunately, Kenny's finals match against Bryce goes against him. I should start tracking how often the presumptive favorite wins these challenges, because I think the answer is never. Not that we could cover it in the QQ Sports Book, anyway.

Group Date Cocktail Party

Kenny confesses to previously working at Chippendales before smoothly transitioning into a private demonstration. It looks like it made an impression on Rachel, much like Eric's...orange juice? made an impression on me:

No objections to staying sober or drinking responsibly, but it really makes you stick out like a sore thumb in the Bachelor universe.

No objections to staying sober or drinking responsibly, but it really makes you stick out like a sore thumb in the Bachelor universe.

After a few more uneventful conversations, Eric expresses his concerns about being overlooked to Rachel. It goes pretty well at first, and he gets some positive reinforcement, but the mood shifts when Rachel reveals that Bryce and Lee both cast aspersions on his motivations. He raises the issue with the two immediately, finding more success with Bryce than with Lee. I was pretty neutral on Lee going into the evening, mostly because I had forgotten he was here, but this move sends him right to the bottom of the pile:

Lee is what the hockey world calls a Pest; only the Pest's teammates like him, and Lee doesn't have any teammates. Who does that leave?

Lee is what the hockey world calls a Pest; only the Pest's teammates like him, and Lee doesn't have any teammates. Who does that leave?

Rachel gives Eric the group date rose, which should help him relax for at least the next twelve hours. He's too tightly wound for it to last any longer, though.

At the Bachelor Mansion

Iggy uses his time alone with Rachel to express concerns over Eric's behavior. To his credit, he moves quickly to tell Eric about his conversation, and it isn't a complete disaster. Lee also uses precious one-on-one time to criticize Eric, which seems unwise given that Eric is already safe for the week.

Rachel tells Eric she's going to believe him, but that she's also watching carefully as a result of the discontent. Eric predictably takes these concerns directly to the other contestants and ask-tells them to stop worrying so much about him and start focusing on Rachel. It's good advice, but Lee makes some smart-ass comments and agitates him further. Before we see where the commotion will lead, we get TO BE CONTINUED...


That's all for Week 3! Check back next week for another recap, and please comment below with any ideas or suggestions you have for our Bachelor Franchise material.

This episode racked up 41 drinks according to our Bachelorette Drinking Game Rules, thanks to a surprisingly strong "I love you" showing. No, no one said the magic words to Rachel, but Lee said it three times to Eric during their argument. Truly insufferable.


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