The Bachelorette Recap - Rachel Lindsay Episode 5: Sad Jack Stone, Handball in Norway, and Whiskey Picnics

The Bachelorette Recap - Rachel Lindsay Episode 5: Sad Jack Stone, Handball in Norway, and Whiskey Picnics

When we left off last week, tension was building between Lee and Kenny (and Lee and Eric, and Iggy and Josiah...), Jack Stone was still forcing his smile through his teeth and deep into our eyeballs, and Dean had joined Peter and Bryan as front-runners. We all know a fistfight isn't really coming, but let's see if anything fun happens in Episode 5 of Rachel's season of The Bachelorette!


Picking Up at the Cocktail Party

While Kenny and Lee step outside, Rachel is off snogging Bryan in a boat. Good setting, good lines ("You think I'm too good to be true for you, and if I feel you're too good to be true for me...it's a very simple solution: I just think we're a perfect match"), just well-played overall. 

Kenny calmly confronts Lee over his "aggressive" characterization, but Lee is antagonistic as usual. The situation fizzles with no altercation or resolution, and after reconvening in the central room, Rachel gives the Group Date rose to Bryan. After the Bachelorette leaves, Kenny throws some so-thinly-veiled-it's-transparent shade at Lee while complimenting Bryan:

Bryan is a guy who’s done it the right way. A classy dude, he’s a great dude. He hasn’t snaked other dudes to get to where he’s at. That’s very important, not being a bitch-ass dude. So, much respect, congratulations to you.
— Kenny

No one has indicated a shred of support for Lee, which makes me think Kenny's position is correct. Either way, it's entertaining trash talk.

One-on-One Date: Rachel and Jack Stone

Guess what look Jack has on his face when he rounds the corner. I'll give you...one guess. I bet you're correct!

"Hello I am date-bot Jack. I am told that hands are extended in greeting and smiles put people at ease. Smiles. Yes, always smiles."

"Hello I am date-bot Jack. I am told that hands are extended in greeting and smiles put people at ease. Smiles. Yes, always smiles."

Their date takes them through the streets on a carriage before stopping for some oysters. I'm kind of ambivalent towards oysters myself, but they don't look any better on TV. Just trust me. I'd include a picture, but my stomach hasn't settled from its brush with the Uncanny Valley above.

Unfortunately for Jack Stone, his perception of the date is far off from Rachel's. He goes in for a kiss, which Rachel hand-waives by saying "I'm sick, you're gonna get sick". It leads to a very uncomfortable half-kiss:

This is like the snogging equivalent of the ass-out hug, so wonderfully described by Vince Vaughn's character in Wedding Crashers.

This is like the snogging equivalent of the ass-out hug, so wonderfully described by Vince Vaughn's character in Wedding Crashers.

The dinner portion of the date doesn't demonstrate any more of a spark than their shucking (oysters) or shagging (the dance), but Jack remains oblivious. He feels like he's on the verge of falling in love while Rachel isn't feeling romance or passion. This disconnect comes to a head when Rachel asks what Jack would do with a day together in Dallas; his idea is to lie in bed and talk all day. It looks like Rachel isn't that much of a homebody, because she sends him home soon after. You can tell he's devastated by the look on his face:

I think...he's still smiling, isn't he?! Turn it off, date-bot! Your programming has failed you!

I think...he's still smiling, isn't he?! Turn it off, date-bot! Your programming has failed you!

Back at the House

Eric confronts Lee about using the term "aggressive" to describe a black man, which Lee interprets as Kenny playing a "race card." Shockingly, Lee is both the only person using the term and the only one complaining about it...

News soon arrives that Rachel is foregoing the Cocktail Party in favor of going directly to the Rose Ceremony. Let's cross our fingers and hope Lee goes home!

The Rose Ceremony

This Week's Survivors: Bryan, Dean, Eric, Peter, Adam, Will, Matt, Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee

Quick notes: at first I thought Lee saying "I'm not an aggressive person. I don't like conflict, at all" one week after relishing pissing people off was preposterous, but then Adam said "She hasn't seen the full Adam yet. She's gotten a glimpse. She's had a snack, but I want to give her the full kitchen." Look, metaphors in the moment can be difficult. Sometimes I have to pause while editing to make sure my own make sense. But what is going on here, Adam? Are you the kitchen in this situation? If so, do you want her to see all of you, or eat all of the contents within like she apparently did a snack? Why do you want to be a kitchen anyway? I'm proud of you for ditching the opening night mannequin, but you clearly have a ways to go.

Heading Home: Jonathan and Iggy

Oslo, Norway

Whoa, ABC really shelled out and borrowed the swag technology planes use to show your progress in the air:

I'd advise against this on international flights. Stick to free alcohol and included movies lest the scale depress you. It only LOOKS like four inches...

I'd advise against this on international flights. Stick to free alcohol and included movies lest the scale depress you. It only LOOKS like four inches...

Everyone is excited about Oslo's natural beauty, but Bryan is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one date.

One-on-One Date: Rachel and Bryan

Our couple du jour rides public transportation to a ski jump structure...which they'll be repelling from. Between this and the blimp, I have to wonder: does Rachel just crave heights? They seem to handle it well enough, but I'd be struggling a bit in their position:

Sure, the view is great. You know where else it's great? From the top of the ski jump behind a nice sturdy railing!

Sure, the view is great. You know where else it's great? From the top of the ski jump behind a nice sturdy railing!

They have a mid-air snog (complete with disconcertingly loud sound effects) before finally making it to the ground and moving on to beers in the middle of town.

As they head to dinner, Rachel can't shake the feeling that Bryan is too charming, which seems like a really good problem for both of them to have. The bar isn't set extremely high on this show, so maybe she's just thrown off by Bryan's confidence and general conversational aptitude.

They share some stories about being the ugly ducklings of their peer groups (yeah, right), after which Bryan tells Rachel he's falling in love with her. Cue the fireworks!

Damn, I was wrong. They just snog in a cute little Norwegian alcove:

Sorry y'all, I don't usually miss like that. I really thought the first "falling in love" would get a more dramatic edit.

Sorry y'all, I don't usually miss like that. I really thought the first "falling in love" would get a more dramatic edit.

Group Date: Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, and Josiah - I'm looking for a man who's good with his hands

Rachel and our contestants will be playing handball, which you might recognize as the super-awesome sport you've seen in the Olympics and nowhere else. It's like an awesome mix of lacrosse and basketball, and hang on I need to take a break to Google a handball league here in Austin.

Okay, I'm back. Two of the contestants, Will and Alex, somehow have prior handball experience. The game begins slowly, and Rachel gets a breakaway only to be blocked by Josiah...multiple times. A risky play on his part. Peter opts for some aggressive defense, playfully lifting Rachel off her feet and getting more physical contact than any of his competition:

Other than this picture making Peter look like an extremely old man for some reason, I'd say he's doing a great job.

Other than this picture making Peter look like an extremely old man for some reason, I'd say he's doing a great job.

Will takes home MVP of Bachelorette Handball (slightly more prestigious than Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee Champions) honors after flashing some fine form and netting a series of goals en route to a 17-7 victory.

Group Date Cocktail Party

Will gets time alone with Rachel, which he uses to talk about his last breakup. He makes a good impression and earns a snog for his efforts. Alex reads a letter (snog), Matt stitches something with the lyrics of a song (???), Eric shows some more insecurity and vulnerability, and Josiah leads with "your beauty radiates from your core." Definitely a change in tone there.

He continues to lay it on thick, but Rachel wants him to ask more questions about her. He...doesn't, despite a perfect setup. Here was his response to Rachel saying "I wanna know that you're asking those questions (about me) and not something that like, you read about me."

Mm...that’s a good point. You’re so perceptive, and I love that about you. You’re just amazing. And again, I think you really care about what’s in here and what’s in here. So thank you.
— Josiah, who has no use for questions

Peter walks Rachel outside onto the patio and takes the opposite approach in focusing his attention on the Bachelorette, earning a snog for his efforts. More impressively, he gets an invitation from Rachel to join her in the hot tub with a bottle of bubbly. You just totally hijacked a Group Date, Peter! Knucks to you!

The Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Episode 5 Knucks

Everyone is surprised to see the group date rose go to Will after a presumably long and awkward stretch without Peter or Rachel around; missing out on the rose lets some doubt creep into Peter's mind. I don't know, Peter, it's hard to see you going home so soon after this:

This is what it always looks like right before a relationship falls apart.

This is what it always looks like right before a relationship falls apart.

Two-on-One Date: Rachel, Kenny, and Lee - Your fate is up in the air

A helicopter flies our three date participants through a light snow into the very picturesque Norwegian wilderness:

Bad news, helicopter pilot: you're in Norway. The Vikings are from Minnesota. Everyone knows that.

Bad news, helicopter pilot: you're in Norway. The Vikings are from Minnesota. Everyone knows that.

Somehow, walking through mud to an inevitably awkward picnic with only whiskey for provisions, neither guy offers to carry Rachel to spare her shoes. Ten points each from House Kenny and House Lee (and happy 20th anniversary, Harry Potter!).

Rachel takes Kenny aside first, and he spends more time complimenting Rachel than touching on his disagreements with Lee. It seems to make a good impression, so Lee will need to make a power move if he hopes to balance the scales.

Lee tells a story about Kenny pulling him out of a van, which, if true, happened off camera. It seems unlikely given how deeply this show loves to promote the tiniest slivers of drama, but the icing on the unbelievable cake is Lee's claim that Kenny confided in him he has "a dark side."

Rachel brings this information to Kenny, who refutes every piece of it. While she weighs her options, we get TO BE CONTINUED...


That's all for Episode 5! Check back next week (or sooner) for another recap, and please comment below with any ideas or suggestions you have for our Bachelor Franchise material.

This episode racked up 48 drinks according to our Bachelorette Drinking Game Rules, the strongest showing of the season! Cheers, everyone, and may all your picnics be stocked with whiskey.


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