Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 8: Pointless Panic in Paradise

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 8: Pointless Panic in Paradise

Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 Episode 8 Jenna Crying

When we left off last week, Eric was getting into some figuratively hot water with Angela, John and Olivia were kissing at a quinceañera, and Annaliese was hopelessly in love once again. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!


The opening monologue explains this is a "special" three-hour episode. Ya done me dirty, Bachelor in Paradise. I'll direct you to Mr. Chow.

At the Paradise Pad

Angela continues to cry over Eric's decision to go on a date with Cassandra, and Krystal and Jenna simply can't believe it:

 Every date anyone goes on past the first week is "after a rose ceremony" Krystal. You went on  a date with   Connor  one week after  receiving a rose from Chris !

Every date anyone goes on past the first week is "after a rose ceremony" Krystal. You went on a date with Connor one week after receiving a rose from Chris!

The situation seems to have caused a panic, and Tia in particular bombards Colton with her thoughts. He listens dutifully while eating breakfast in the pool. Even Kendall decides to cast judgment despite her struggles deciding betwen Joe, Leo, and briefly John.

Of course, Tia has known Colton for a solid six months, so she's extremely confident in her evaluation of their relationship and optimistic about their future and a potential engagement:

 I'm admittedly cynical towards the franchise, but "natural" is last on the list of positive adjectives I'd use to describe relationships here

I'm admittedly cynical towards the franchise, but "natural" is last on the list of positive adjectives I'd use to describe relationships here

The optimism fades when Colton pulls her aside for a private conversation. He tells Tia "it's not there", and the crying begins in earnest. They both decide to leave Paradise, much to my relief. 

The news rocks the rest of the Paradise cast, because if there's one thing you can't see coming, it's a couple-who-recently-broke-up-and-then-briefly-"dated"-other-people-before-deciding-to-date-again breaking up again. I'll let Pepper Brooks handle this one.

Despite the wise, seemingly unanimous decision by bros on the cast to remain quiet about the Eric-Angela situation, Jenna somehow chooses Kevin's shoulder to cry on:

 That's the same look on my face when people I  do  care about cry on my shoulder; he just doesn't bother hiding his confusion because it's Jenna

That's the same look on my face when people I do care about cry on my shoulder; he just doesn't bother hiding his confusion because it's Jenna

Jordan makes his way over to the daybed Jenna chose to cry on next, and reassures her with some heartfelt words of wisdom: 

I’m not a Colton. You’re not a Tia.
— Surprisingly astute observation from Amateur Zoolander

One-on-One Date: Cassandra and Eric

Some small talk over popsicles transitions into being led on horseback around a small ring and crowned the King and Queen of...the Cowboy Fiesta of Puerto Vallarta? The name is generic, and I think it might have been arranged entirely for Paradise purposes (the locals must be dying laughing). Eric and Cassandra snog a bit before Eric tells her his relationship with Angela wasn't moving ahead at the pace he'd hoped for, a distinctly different story than we're getting elsewhere... 

Back at the Paradise Pad

Eric and Cassandra return, and after a brief delay Eric pulls Angela aside for a conversation. She brings him up to speed on her feelings, he mounts a weak defense, and we end up here:

 That look says it's not okay, Eric! Not okay!!!

That look says it's not okay, Eric! Not okay!!!

Unfortunately for Eric, Angela isolates Cassandra next to give her some background. Cassandra isn't thrilled to hear the guy she took on a date told another woman he wouldn't go on dates just one night earlier; apparently she's smarter than most movie leads and suspects such deception might not be a one-time issue. Knucks, Cassandra

The Bachelorette Recap Rachel Lindsay Episode 11 Knucks

Cassandra brings her newfound knowledge to Eric, and his explanation that he simply woke up with different thoughts and feelings than the night before doesn't inspire confidence:

 It's nice of her to bring her vocabulary down to child level, but Eric is one of the few contestants I'd trust with big words

It's nice of her to bring her vocabulary down to child level, but Eric is one of the few contestants I'd trust with big words

Astrid goes to Kevin with the anxiety brought on by Colton and Tia's departure and the degenerating situation between Eric and Angela, but believes their relationship is different than the other ones. For what it's worth, I agree, and Kevin seals it by saying he's falling in love with her. In case you're still skeptical of my favorite couple, this is how the conversation concludes after a quick snog:

Kevin: Do you wanna go to bed? 
Astrid: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Can we eat ice cream?
Astrid: Yes.
*Smooches*
Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 Episode 8 Recap Knucks

The Next Morning

Jordan helps Chris by trimming off his "baby bangs". I'm not familiar with the term, but I have to say this is an improvement:

 He's still an overly-aggressive, over-confident, over-compensating numbskull, but he  does  look better

He's still an overly-aggressive, over-confident, over-compensating numbskull, but he does look better

Shushanna and Christen are the latest arrivals to Paradise, and their double-date cards bring the anxiety right back to yesterday's levels. Apparently Christen's nickname is "scallop fingers". Between the nickname and the format of the date, the general anxiety is likely unfounded. Double-dates just aren't as romantic as a regular date, even if it's as bizarre as a photoshoot for a fake romance novel.

Kamil accepts Shushanna's offer to go on the date and immediately seeks out Annaliese to smooth things over. I suppose in this strange world it counts as a nice, sensitive gesture, so good job, I guess. Christen invites John on the date, and he accepts as well. Based on their brief conversation, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she doesn't understand how software or business works:

 She probably even thinks she has  Venmo stock  in her  IRA Roth  and  hates PayPal

She probably even thinks she has Venmo stock in her IRA Roth and hates PayPal

Wells fills us in on the "scallop fingers" nickname: 

So last year, a girl named Christen came here. And all the girls were telling this story about how they went out one night. And Christen started eating leftover scallops in the taxi cab. And she’s eating with her fingers and then she touched one of the other girls’ shoulders, and the other girl’s shoulder smelled like scallops.
— The most boring possible background story for a nickname like "Scallop Fingers"

It turns out Annaliese is not capable of enjoying her day while Kamil is on a date; she spends her day crying at the Paradise Pad. 

Double Date: Shushanna and Kamil, Christen and John

A nice trip on a real boat followed by a ride on a banana boat leads the four double-daters to a secluded beach. They pour some champagne and split into pairs for privacy. Shushanna feigns concern about Annaliese's feelings in her conversation with Kamil before going for the snog. 

Back at the Paradise Pad

Chris Harrison drops in to deliver an "extra" date card for one of the more established couples, but in a twist, Jared and Ashley will be choosing the lucky recipients. You might remember Ashley as the Tia/Annalises hybrid from Season 2, or more recently when Ashley was dating Kevin in Bachelor Winter Games. It starts a little awkward, then Ashley makes it a lot awkward: 

 Suggesting...anyone she dated after, she dated while fully aware she was still in love with someone else.  Cool. Cool cool cool.

Suggesting...anyone she dated after, she dated while fully aware she was still in love with someone else. Cool. Cool cool cool.

But the twist has a twist! The actual reason for their guest appearance is so Jared can propose to Ashley on the same beach where they met. We get to rehash their relationship, which is basically a montage of Ashley crying while Jared looks uncomfortable. Here's a sample, which I might have also screenshotted in a previous recap:

 Jared was essentially a crying shoulder robot at this point, which explains the blank expression on his face

Jared was essentially a crying shoulder robot at this point, which explains the blank expression on his face

Jared delivers a nice speech, Ashley starts crying halfway through, and Monty Python comes to mind. Finally, he gets on a knee and presents the Neil Lane diamond ring, they snog, everyone cheers, and they toast with champagne on the beach. Kevin gives Ashley a congratulatory hug, and Jenna commits herself to pursuing Ashley's path to finding love:

To see something so great come from just, such a tragic mess of ups and downs, I think it gives us all hope. Like this can really work. If you pursue it. Mercilessly. For years.
— John Hinckley Jr. Or maybe Jenna. Possibly both?

Kevin is understandably shook watching a girl who recently cheated on him get proposed to in front of him, and Astrid follows him to one of the consolation beds. I have faith in our MVP couple to work through it.

Kevin vents to Jordan next, who tells him he handled the situation admirably. Astrid reveals she decided not to congratulate Ashley and instead chugged her champagne. Double knucks for you, Astrid.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Double Knucks

The extra date card is finally delivered, and of course it's for Kevin, who immediately rushes off with Astrid to get ready. Annaliese somehow thinks it could have been her and Kamil on the date, because her delusions have carried her past the point of recognizing narrative structure. Psst...Annaliese...even if Kamil wasn't on a double-date, Kevin was getting the date card delivered shortly after his ex was proposed to.

One-on-One Date: Kevin and Astrid

Our favorite couple of the season gets a nice private dinner to start their evening, and Kevin opens up about his now-resurfacing insecurities. Astrid offers some good advice before breaking out the big guns: she says "I love you", he reciprocates, and they snog before moving on with the date. Also, they leave this whole lobster behind!

 Why even bring it? Do you really think they're going to go through the trouble of splitting a lobster when they have this much to discuss?

Why even bring it? Do you really think they're going to go through the trouble of splitting a lobster when they have this much to discuss?

Back at the Paradise Pad

Annaliese moves from Chelsea to Eric and then Olivia with her concerns. The four daters return, and Joe sees what's coming next:

 Try not to look too closely at Annaliese's pre-emptive smile right above the closed caption there. It only makes her scarier!

Try not to look too closely at Annaliese's pre-emptive smile right above the closed caption there. It only makes her scarier!

Kamil brings Annaliese aside shortly after and tells her he's happy to be back. They snog and head off to bed together, but I wouldn't say Joe was wrong; I expect Annaliese to find something else to melt down over soon enough.

Olivia takes John aside for some candlelit snacks and a snog. She's feeling comfortable, but Christen pulls John aside next and gets a snog of her own. 

The Cocktail Party

Shushanna unwisely goes to Olivia for some advice instead of spending her time with one of the remaining men who might give her a rose. Cassandra, mere hours before the Rose Ceremony, has seemingly changed her mind regarding Eric and leads him to a nice meditative setup to shed the bad energy from the night before. Angela is venting to Jenna, who offers her reassurance.

 Unless Jenna starts offering tips on copying  style from "The Seven Year Itch"  it's best to just ignore her.

Unless Jenna starts offering tips on copying style from "The Seven Year Itch" it's best to just ignore her.

John, holder of another "at-large" rose, gets some dance lessons and a snog from Christen before Olivia leads him away to a piñata and another snog. 

Shushanna doesn't know how to proceed and visits the bar. She may not feel confident, but at least she seems optimistic:

 Is this cocktail in a real plastic cup? My goodness, such excess!

Is this cocktail in a real plastic cup? My goodness, such excess!

Shushanna seeks out Wells for advice, and he and Olivia encourage her to seek out a one-on-one conversation with Kamil. She takes their advice and leads with a guilt trip, asking if she made any mistakes on their date. Kamil calmly tells her he felt hesitation the entire date, and Shushanna storms off. She's considering going home, but stays long enough to hear Chris Harrison's announce a new arrival: Jordan from New Zealand, with a rose of his own. Apparently he was on Bachelor New Zealand and Bachelor Winter Games. The ladies are universally attracted to his accent, but I'm growing more concerned with Christen by the confessional:

 Fists, feet, what's the difference?

Fists, feet, what's the difference?

Christen is the first to get some time alone with Jordan, and jumps right into attempting a New Zealand accent. The reviews are harsh:

Honestly, you sound like a drunk Mary Poppins

Angela takes her turn and learns the fantastic colloquialism "we're not here to f*** spiders". Chelsea follows with a rundown of her life, Shushanna interrupts, and Chelsea shifts her attention to Kamil. He once again describes his situation with Annaliese using a form of the word "friend" as Annaliese watches anxiously from a distance.

Chelsea tells Kamil his only chance of getting to know new people is to give his rose to someone other than Annaliese. She then asks Annaliese to step aside for an empty conversation. While she explains their conversation in the most benign terms possible, Christen continues her dance lessons with Kamil as her student. Annaliese is not amused:

 Annaliese strikes me as the person who yells "first" when they see anything they want and expects everyone to respect her verbal dibs

Annaliese strikes me as the person who yells "first" when they see anything they want and expects everyone to respect her verbal dibs

The Rose Ceremony

This episode has dragged on far too long already, so let's get through it:

  • Kevin chooses Astrid (MVPs! MVPs! MVPs!)
  • Jordan (American) chooses Jenna
  • Chris chooses Krystal
  • Joe chooses Kendall
  • Eric chooses Cassandra
  • Jordan (New Zealand) chooses Shushanna
  • John chooses Olivia
  • Kamil chooses Annaliese

With that, Chelsea, Christen, and Angela are all headed home. Both Christen and Chelsea suffer some kind of panic attack, which the show leans on heavily for drama despite the low stakes and large crew on hand. On the bright side, Chelsea's son gets her mom back and this marathon episode is over!

Knucks

  • Astrid for not congratulating her current flame's ex on her proposal
  • New Zealand Jordan for slamming Christen's accent and introducing us to "we're not here to f*** spiders"
  • Colton and Tia for leaving the show, finally (though it won't be the last we see of them, apparently)
  • Eric for not feeling the need to explain a change of heart on Bachelor in Paradise
  • Cassandra for not listening to Eric's half-assed attempts at explaining himself

Demerits

  • Cassandra for forgetting her concerns as soon as the Rose Ceremony drew close
  • Annaliese for remaining on a competitive dating show with the strategy of "cry whenever another person talks to my current favorite"
  • Everyone involved in the "scallop fingers" debacle, because it's just not funny enough to last this long
  • Ashley and Jared for getting engaged on the set of Bachelor in Paradise

That's "all" for Episode 8! We tallied 118 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks to Jared and Ashley chipping in plenty of "I love you"s during their proposal. Tune in next week to see what Annaliese will find to cry about next!


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