Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 9: The Goose and Co. Get Loose

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 9: The Goose and Co. Get Loose

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When we left off last week, Chelsea and Christen were having panic attacks, Annaliese's claws were coming out on anyone approaching Kamil, and Kevin and Astrid were keeping all of us sane. If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!


At the Paradise Pad

Everyone has relaxed a bit in the wake of another Rose Ceremony. In case you were worried our MVPs might be losing their touch, they're not:

 Kevin,  you're my boy!  Also, is Astrid wearing a denim Tarzan cover-up?! Does everything come in denim in Canada?

Kevin, you're my boy! Also, is Astrid wearing a denim Tarzan cover-up?! Does everything come in denim in Canada?

Chris Harrison arrives to introduce more former cast members: Carly and Evan, and Jade and Tanner. Both couples started their relationship in Paradise and both recently became parents. For some reason, they're pushing procreation hard:

 Not even an "if you're ready"? Is this an ABC conspiracy to create a new baby boom so they can keep  Grey's Anatomy  running forever?

Not even an "if you're ready"? Is this an ABC conspiracy to create a new baby boom so they can keep Grey's Anatomy running forever?

Of course they come equipped with date cards, and they'll be interviewing the couples to determine who deserves them. There are few noteworthy moments, but this one from Eric really grabbed my attention. While being interviewed by Jade and Tanner, Eric goes back to his mouse-cheese analogy. It's difficult to track, but not as difficult as this PICTURE 9:15

 Okay, this is suspicious, but the next part...

Okay, this is suspicious, but the next part...

 What?!  We just saw him spend an entire evening with Angela being bombarded with dairy ! Is that  actually  why it didn't work out? Did Eric just have to watch mournfully as Angela enjoyed the massive dessert and cheese plate? How did the producers not prepare?!

What?! We just saw him spend an entire evening with Angela being bombarded with dairy! Is that actually why it didn't work out? Did Eric just have to watch mournfully as Angela enjoyed the massive dessert and cheese plate? How did the producers not prepare?!

Kendall and Joe win the date card (I guess there's only one between the two couples), but rather than going out, they'll be babysitting while the parents go on a double-date. Really leaning hard into the nuclear family imagery here, Paradise producers. Kendall seems intimidated by the difficulty of the task:

I’m really nervous. I mean, I hold taxidermy, I hold dead animals. That’s completely different than holding a baby.
— Kendall, also a fan of cemetery picnics

Joe is more optimistic, but the children unsurprisingly begin crying the moment their parents leave. One of the couples handed ther baby over with a full diaper, which is a combination of choreography and bad luck. At least the assembly of the crib allows for an inundation of innuendo:

 Where's  the Todd  when you need him? But seriously, I'm taking this as a good sign for their relationship

Where's the Todd when you need him? But seriously, I'm taking this as a good sign for their relationship

The unburdened parents enjoy pool time, jetskis, and a spa appointment while Kendall and Joe manage the babies back at the Paradise Pad. Jordan and Jenna drop by for a visit, and both babies have calmed down by the time their parents return. In exchange for babysitting, Kendall and Joe receive a trip into town, where Kendall enjoys a refreshing looking beverage on the beach while Joe opens up about his insecurities and hopes for their future.

 For real, it looks nice. The flower is too bulky for a garnish, but otherwise I'll have six, please

For real, it looks nice. The flower is too bulky for a garnish, but otherwise I'll have six, please

Annaliese, ever miles ahead of her beau and the rest of the cast, thinks everyone has baby fever after seeing children in person. The closest anyone else gets to discussing it is Jordan and Jenna reviewing ideas for baby names. 

Eric and Cassandra watch the other couples from a distance. Eric rightly criticizes Cassandra's admiration for Annaliese and Kamil's situation, but it seems like Eric might fundamentally misunderstand this show:

 What part of  Bachelor in Paradise  are you not getting, Eric?  Is it the core concept ?

What part of Bachelor in Paradise are you not getting, Eric? Is it the core concept?

Eric doesn't respond well to this "difficult" conversation with Cassandra, but Kevin offers his services as a sounding board. Eric feels drained after sending Angela home and doesn't think he's in a place to form a relationship. He wakes Cassandra up from a nap to tell her he's leaving Paradise, and Cassandra falls victim to our timeless trap:

 There's soooooo much less going on in there than you want there to be! Just take what he said at face value!

There's soooooo much less going on in there than you want there to be! Just take what he said at face value!

One-on-One Date: Chris and Krystal

The date night begins with a brief "dinner" (can you call it a dinner if no one eats?) and the usual exaggerated compliments for meeting low bars for conversation skills or humor:

 You nicknamed yourself "the Goose" and you wear a headband. We're all laughing  at  you, Chris.

You nicknamed yourself "the Goose" and you wear a headband. We're all laughing at you, Chris.

The romantic setting gives Chris the opportunity to say "I love you", but he's briefly interrupted by a stray raccoon. The encounter really ruffles the goose's feathers:

 I'm ashamed to admit I wasn't expecting him to get  aggy  towards a raccoon. He might really believe there was intent.

I'm ashamed to admit I wasn't expecting him to get aggy towards a raccoon. He might really believe there was intent.

After the raccoon-induced false start, he picks up where he left off, and he and Crystal exchange "I'm in love with you"s. I wasn't sure how to interpret his audible from "I love you" to "I'm in love with you", but Twitter seems to think it's a significant difference.

Back at the Paradise Pad

The remaining cast plays truth or dare around the fire, and Kiwi Jordan dares Olivia to recreate Evan and Carly's habañero kiss with John. We even get a recap of the sloppy affair before John and Olivia get to work by Lady-and-the-Tramp-ing a jalapeño. It's a little gross, and Olivia doesn't appreciate it:

 It wasn't even a habañero this time! Come on, rub some tequila on it and get back in the game.

It wasn't even a habañero this time! Come on, rub some tequila on it and get back in the game.

While Olivia and John cool off their mouths, the game continues and Kiwi Jordan seizes the opportunity to make things more awkward. Shushanna chooses "Truth" and acknowledges wanting to kiss someone else in Paradise while looking knowingly at Kamil. He seems genuinely afraid of her and tells everyone he considers himself to be in a committed relationship. Shushanna asks a "truth" of "have you ever wanted to kill someone?" before offering the least genuine "just kidding" since White Goodman.

Kiwi Jordan leads Shushanna away hoping to evaluate his footing before the next Rose Ceremony. His suspicions are confirmed, as Shushanna is utterly unable to move past Kamil. Luckily for him, Cassandra's rose-giver just left the show and the editing suggests they might hook up!

The Next Morning

Chris and John practice some synchronized swimming to the less-than-stellar tune of Kendall's humming. Kiwi Jordan receives the next date card, and after being turned down by Shushanna, moves on to Cassandra. Naturally, Kevin is the one to concisely summarize the situation:

Jordan from New Zealand decides to ask Shu. Shu turns him down because she still has something for Kamil. Shu’s walking that fine line between persistent and cray cray.
— Kevin's very polite interpretation

Shushanna pulls Kamil aside for a private conversation, and he explains his position fairly bluntly:

"I mean you're a great girl. I just feel like there is no connection there between you and I. I don't see it."
"Like, it's not there between us. There is no spark."
"I just can't see it working between us at this current moment."
"I just can't see it working between us. I just don't feel that with my heart."

Let's just say it isn't sinking in:

 I'd say Shushanna left persistent behind for cray-cray a long time ago. We're in  Gloria Cleary territory .

I'd say Shushanna left persistent behind for cray-cray a long time ago. We're in Gloria Cleary territory.

Shushanna vents to Olivia while Kamil makes the mistake of comparing Shushanna's intense looks to "witchcraft" in his conversation with Annaliese. If there's anyone on this show I can see believing in witchcraft, it's Krystal with her crystals. But if there are two people, it's Krystal and Annaliese, and only one of them is likely to cry over it.

Annaliese confronts Shushanna to tell her Kamil is off-limits, and the conversation goes...poorly. It always does when you try to rationalize with an irrational person. Unfortunately, she decides to stoop to Shushanna's level by accusing her of witchcraft:

 Facepalm.

Facepalm.

Unfortunately this entire sideplot ends with a terrible and clumsy joke from the ABC writers, delivered by Wells:

But, like, Shushanna’s not a witch. Just because she’s Russian doesn’t mean she’s a witch. This is a Russian witch hunt, you know?
— ABC, continuing a long tradition of deft, artful political commentary

The latest addition to Paradise is Diggy, who I vaguely remember from Rachel's season. Shushanna is an obvious candidate for Diggy's date card, but I don't know if I want to inflict that on anyone. On the bright side, the bro circle is back:

 Aww, they're like adorable leisurely meerkats! Does that make Chris Harrison  Flower ?

Aww, they're like adorable leisurely meerkats! Does that make Chris Harrison Flower?

Shushanna tells Diggy she's still hurting and would only be interested in friendship. Easily picking up on the blatant baggage, Diggy moves on to Olivia and she accepts his invitation on the date. 

One-on-One Date: Diggy and Olivia

Diggy reveals an endearing story about his nickname (his mom dressed him up as a kid and a teacher said they were "digging" his clothes) and they pass his glasses back and forth as a fashion prop. Their snog seems to make an impact:

 John, I think you might be in trouble. You didn't even draw a "hot" review when she had a jalapeño in her mouth!

John, I think you might be in trouble. You didn't even draw a "hot" review when she had a jalapeño in her mouth!

The date wraps up with some dancing in front of a small band in a setting much less awkward than the usual private concerts. 

Back at the Paradise Pad

Shushanna claims to be totally over Kamil and really into Kiwi Jordan, but Joe sees right to the core of the matter: she just wants what she can't have. Her plan involves a surprise for Kiwi Jordan when he returns from the date she turned down that very morning. 

Kevin and Astrid bring the recently returned Kiwi Jordan up to speed on the witchcraft developments, and he's notably unenthusiastic. In fact, his response to the entire Shushanna situation is wildly refreshing for the American entries in this franchise. Maybe we just need to add more New Zealanders?

I don’t need to try and, you know, figure out ‘how do I solve this puzzle?’ I don’t want a puzzle.

His tune doesn't change when he's drawn away to join Shushanna by a bonfire. Instead of sitting in awkward silence or talking incoherently until the situation can resolve itself, he puts it plainly to her:

 Followed by, "At the moment...there's confusion." I hope you come back next season, Kiwi Jordan!

Followed by, "At the moment...there's confusion." I hope you come back next season, Kiwi Jordan!

Shushanna wanders off to cry, Kiwi Jordan attempts to console her, and the episode comes to an end.

Knucks

  • Kiwi Jordan for his handling of the Shushanna situation
  • Kamil for his handling of the Shushanna situation
  • Annaliese for her determination in confronting Shushanna
  • Kevin for making his own dressings and using that to impress Astrid

Demerits

  • Shushanna for creating so many situations in need of handling
  • Wells and everyone at ABC involved in the atrocious attempt at topical humor

That's all for Episode 9! We tallied 74 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks to increasing "I love you"s and continued "Paradise"s. Tune in next week to see just how long anyone can keep putting up with Shushanna!


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