Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 1: Colton, Colton, Colton!

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 1: Colton, Colton, Colton!

Bachelor in Paradise Season 5 Episode 1 Paradise is Open Chris Harrison

We're back! Extenuating circumstances made it more difficult than usual to carve out time to watch Bachelor content, but things are back to normal. If I'm being honest, I missed the inanity of this franchise. I'm a little rusty on the rules, but our Bachelor in Paradise drinking game is still here to help, I assume Chris Harrison remains employed in his enviably cushy job, and I'm sure the names have changed far more than the characters. I predict at least one virgin, at least two meatheads, one crier, and zero flashes of meaningful conversation. Throw on your swimsuits, grab your drink tickets, and let's head to the beach!


We start off on a bad foot, with the narrator (is it Chris Harrison? Or does he delegate that responsibility?) describing this as the most caliente season ever. Yes, they're going to be in Mexico, but this selective interspersing of Spanish needs to stop. Most recently, it was Sicario: Day of the Soldado which for some reason decided dia de Soldado would be too confusing. Now this? The scattershot nature is infuriating. Rant over. At least we have an early favorite from the intro - whoever this is:

 The contestants would be so much more likable if they committed to puns

The contestants would be so much more likable if they committed to puns

Meet the Cast

Our contestants to start this season are Jordan, Kendall, Angela, Eric (hey, I remember him!), Chris, Tia, Krystal, Kevin, Bibiana, Wills, Astrid (her too!) Joe, Nysha, David, Annaliese, Kenny, Chelsea, Nick, John, and Wells...as the bartender? I guess some things have changed!

Chris Harrison pretends to do some work around the resort the way you did when your parents gave you a to-do list before you could go to a friend's house, and the arrivals begin:

  • Kendall. Her month(s?)-long, non-exclusive relationship with Arie sent her into a "hermit" phase
  • Kenny recalls his breakup with Rachel, and still has a daughter
  • Kevin reminds everyone he's a firefighter and delivers this gem: 
But if you kiss another guy while you’re dating someone else, it’s cheating in my book.
— Definitely only Kevin's book on fidelity
  • Krystal was the villain on Arie's season of The Bachelor
  • Chris claims to be more than the aggressive, foul-mouthed person he was on Becca's season; I give it half of the first episode
  • David lives with his mom and has a pre-existing beef with Jordan. I'm sure their drama is compelling, but there's something more important to discuss: the size of the fruit salad his mom is making for him!
 That's too large for one person! Unless your entire meal is fruit salad? I mean the guy admits to having his mom cook and do laundry for him, so maybe he's not onto solid foods yet?

That's too large for one person! Unless your entire meal is fruit salad? I mean the guy admits to having his mom cook and do laundry for him, so maybe he's not onto solid foods yet?

  • Jordan is a "professional" model
  • Annaliese is a crier who's afraid of everything, including sand and sombreros
  • Bibiana says "mic drop" out loud, ruining the phrase entirely
  • Wills loves floral prints
  • Tia dated someone who unexpectedly entered Becca's season of the Bachelorette as a contestant

Welcome to Paradise

Tia is the first to arrive and dutifully greets Chris Harrison before heading to the beach where she's soon joined by Eric and Kendall. Jordan and Bibiana arrive to add some much-needed ego to the self-restraint demonstrated thus far. Bibiana apparently communicates regularly with her vagina, which, y'know, good on her, I suppose. I'm not sure she's in the right crowd for that kind of openness, though.

Joe, the next arrival, looks like a cross between Wells and Mark Ruffalo after he wakes up on Sakaar. More importantly, Wills heads to the bar and blows Jordan's mind with the confluence of his name, Wells's name, and well liquor.

Kendall and Joe are the first to take some time on the side, and she uses the opportunity to endorse picnics in cemeteries before asking if Joe's seen a dead body. I guess knucks on the unconventional approach?

The Bachelorette Recap Rachel Lindsay Episode 11 Knucks

Chris arrives and grabs a drink, which should help him climb aboard the aggro-train. Eric relaxes with a couple of the women and asks Krystal's direct competitors if she was really a bad person; probably not worse than previous Bachelors, recent winners, or the tornado of lunch meat and liquor that was Chad, but I guess we'll find out!

Kendall is already mentally beefing with Krystal, who steps aside with Joe for a conversation. Joe sounds like a perfectly normal individual; he's not long for this world. Still no snogging to report, but we can't be far off with the flow of beverages (which doesn't look reduced at all). 

Kenny arrives quite composed, and without the racist antagonism of Lee, he might be able to maintain it. Astrid joins the ranks, and the conversation turns to Tia and Colton. It's hard to find the logic behind her attraction enduring his surprise entry into a reality television dating competition...until you remember they all entered the same competition and now wound up here. Logic does not apply. 

Jordan and David seem set to resume their beef, and of course they don't; neither has been there long enough to be intoxicated and no one has started snogging yet. Tia is disappointed to hear David is the last arrival with Colton still on her mind; the only person more disappointed in her obsession than the male contestants is me. I'd say it's going to get old fast, but it's so old I'm already over it. Did my tolerance for Bachelor nonsense go down while I wasn't watching?!

After Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game (which would be relevant if the cast wasn't comprised of interchangeable attractive lunatics), Joe and Tia spend some time poorly adopting each other's accents before she circles back to her favorite topic of Colton. Joe, demonstrating extraordinary perception for this show, hypothesizes that she isn't over him. 

Naturally, Tia gets the first date card, and proceeds to wander the beach alone in search of divine guidance. She returns empty-headed. Err, handed. Empty-handed, and determined to attempt a conversation with a non-Colton man. Everyone thinks Joe is going to be the pick, but she ends up approaching aggro-Chris, who should maybe go one button higher:

 Or just don't button any of them. This is the "Day of the Soldado" of buttoning options.

Or just don't button any of them. This is the "Day of the Soldado" of buttoning options.

Krystal seems to have an eye for Joe, but she's deeply perturbed by his decision to approach Kendall in hopes of a conversation. Their alcohol-aided and aggressively insubstantial conversation quickly leads to a snog, pushing Krystal one step closer to confrontation. Instead of blowing her cover, she moves to distract herself with Kevin, who quickly shifts from shoving food in his face to shoving his face in her face.

 That's how it's done in  Paradise , folks. No time to chew your food, you have to make moves!

That's how it's done in Paradise, folks. No time to chew your food, you have to make moves!

Meanwhile, a visibly intoxicated Nick pieces together this masterpiece for Chelsea:

You’re [bleep] cool...as [bleep]. You’ve got your head on straight, you know? Like, you know what the [bleep] going on...I have like a weird attraction to you. Super attraction...Had I, like, felt, like, you wanted to make out with me. I would have made out with you.

Her response is crushingly efficient: "I think I'm going to bed."

One-on-One Date: Tia and Chris

Despite the skepticism expressed by the crowd back at the resort, Tia is (unsurprisingly) susceptible to falling head over heels with the slightest encouragement, even if her date says "like" every three words.

You were like, one of the girls I was like, interested in talking to. Aside from like, you know, everything...I told myself like, going into Paradise, like I’m going to be open-minded to like, any girl, and have fun with someone I normally like, and, like, that’s something I guess like...

Tia really sells herself short, saying "I couldn't have said it better myself". They snog, either because the ABC-sponsored date is romantic or because she's desperate to prove she's over Colton. I'm leaning towards the latter...

Back at the Paradise Pad

Of course, Colton arrives in Paradise the next morning! And he's a sweater:

 You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Kendall! Tell him to spend some time in the a/c first!

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Kendall! Tell him to spend some time in the a/c first!

More people hug him than I'd expect given the state of his shirt, but he has a date card and pulls Kendall aside for a chat. She fills him in on Tia's date, and he moves on to Angela, who accepts his invitation to go on a date before he actually extends it. Twice. Unfortunately for her (and Chris), he invites Tia and she jumps on the opportunity. Astrid is not amused.

One-on-One Date: Colton and Tia

Our momentarily-not-but-soon-to-be-a-couple-again couple sets off on a yacht, where Colton explains his disappointment in Tia's "intervention" in his and Becca's "relationship." Tia apologizes before asking for some kind of clarification regarding his emotions, receiving absolutely none. Naturally, they move on to jet-skiing, and the time Tia spends clinging to him banishes her concerns, leading to a snog.

Back at the Paradise Pad

Most of the women at the pad seem disinterested in the approach Colton is taking, while Chris is getting antsy, angry, and angsty. Nick gets drunk:

 C'mon, the cast is doing it too!? New least-favorite contestant.

C'mon, the cast is doing it too!? New least-favorite contestant.

Joe and Kendall wisely mock the intermention going on between Nick, Jordan, and Chris, and when Colton returns to the pad he's asked to step aside with the moronic trio. Unfortunately, Bachelor in Paradise wraps for the week, so we'll have to wait to see how it plays out.

Knucks

  • Astrid, for unabashedly enjoying the free and delicious-looking food on camera
  • Joe, for pivoting seamlessly to Kendall after Tia asks Chris on a date
  • Chelsea, for her shutdown of Nick

Demerits

  • Nick, for somehow out-disheveling the entire cast of a competitive dating show set at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico
  • Wells, for openly admitting he's still a poor bartender
  • Kevin, for eating on the daybed he's brought Krystal to mere moments before snogging

That's all for the premiere of Season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise! This episode racked up 109 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, thanks largely to a "Paradise" being said a whopping 56 times (not counting the theme song!). We'll be back next week! 


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