JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recaps Episode 1: Meet The Contestants

JoJo Fletcher Bachelorette Recaps Episode 1: Meet The Contestants

It has been a long seventy days since we saw JoJo sent home by Bachelor Ben Higgins. Her heart was broken, and her extremely aggressive brothers (the JoJoBros) undoubtedly influenced Ben's decision. Were they wrong to doubt Ben's connection with their sister after mere months of very INclusive dating? No! But they conveyed less tact than family members in past seasons, and I really hope they're invited to stay in the Bachelor Mansion with this season's contestants.

Now JoJo can turn the tables and judge a host of unquestionably attractive, questionably-employed men on factors ranging from physical appearance to first date small-talk in an effort to identify her soulmate. Let's get to the action!

We open with a montage of JoJo and Ben over the course of last season, culminating with his profession and take-backsies of love because he “found it with somebody else more”. This seems ridiculous until you remember that Ben and JoJo had spent zero days dating exclusively; having equal feelings for two people you’re just getting to know is understandable.

JoJo was hurt and confused, and still looks pretty pissed off. I had forgotten how much I enjoy JoJo’s angry face.

I'm ready to find love, and totally over Ben. Can't you tell?

I'm ready to find love, and totally over Ben. Can't you tell?

JoJo walks along the beach solo and sits on a rock until a wave splashes over her. Do the producers just tell her to stay put until that happens? Kind of a dick move.

Overdrinking and streaking are coming up. Can’t wait!

JoJo meets with former bachelorettes to A) get advice and B) fulfill ABC’s obligation to promote former contestants. I recognize one as Desiree, but the other two could be anyone. I assume other people recognize them. The gist of their advice is to kiss guys on night one, which seems like a good policy. Thank you, braintrust. JoJo promises to be more careful with the L word than Ben, which is like being more careful with finger-knives than Freddy Kruger. At least the ladies appear to be drinking during the day; knucks to them.

Also, I need to make a fridge run.

JoJo wisely takes the simple approach for night one, wearing a glittery gold dress with plenty of cleavage.

Hey, I said plenty!

Hey, I said plenty!

Before JoJo arrives at the Bachelor Mansion, Chris Harrison introduces the contestants. My first impression will be my only impression until the herd is thinned and I can (try to) remember names. Here we go:

SF Firefighter: likes to help people. Happy with his life, but wants to share it with someone else. Bad “light my fire” joke earns points with me.

Jordan: Related to Aaron Rodgers. Former pro quarterback, which doesn’t sound right. Let’s check Wikipedia:

Please note the bottom line

Please note the bottom line

I can’t focus because I’m having flashbacks to his brother mercilessly killing Bears’ seasons.

Motorcycle Marine: Former bad boy, enlisted, now on the right path.

Bachelor Superfan: …………………..watched because his mom watches……………..

Tennessee (former?) Pastor: Helps people with ED, which I guess is a noble cause. Reminds me of the main character in the New Guy crossed with the bad guy in the Fifth Element.

Iranian Californian: Doctor siblings make his bartending/surfing lifestyle look worse, but like most Californians he doesn’t mind.

Crossfit Guy: Might not do CrossFit specifically, but is in good shape like everyone else. Self-proclaimed geek, which is old. Grew up biracial, which is odd phrasing. You don’t stop being biracial after you grow up, as far as I know. Has brothers.

Hill Country Texas Vestman: spends time on a farm (typical) and was in the military. Walks kinda funny. I hope he wasn’t wounded serving in Afghanistan; I’d feel like a dick.

JoJo steps out looking pretty fabulous. Chris reminds her of her objective: “you’re here to find the man of your dreams”. Thanks, Chris.

Up first: Jordan Rodgers! Keeps it pretty simple. JoJo tells him he looks good at least three times. Good sign for you, Rodgers the Lesser.

Derek gives her a hug. JoJo says “he was sweeeeeet”. He’s going to lose.

Firefighter says he won’t do what Ben did and fall in love with two women. Does he know this is the Bachelorette, where there’s only one woman? If not, he is in for an unpleasant surprise.

Missed one.

Robby brings a bottle of wine. Classic move, and JoJo accepts. He opens it (is it a screw-top?) and they drink from the bottle. Seems like the wrong setting. JoJo says her mom will like him, which, yeah, we all saw what happened last year JoJo.

Nervous short guy isn’t wearing socks long enough to reach his suit pants. Fail. He should lose.

Will brought cue cards he pretends to accidentally drop. He will lose.

Chad forgets to say his name and mumbles a greeting. Not much of a talker, that Chad.

A guy named Daniel is from Canada and sounds like it.

Ali the bartender bares his teeth a little too much for comfort.

Guitar guy arrives and effectively comes across as dorky and nervous.

Another Canadian arrives in a kilt, explaining he is half-Chinese and half-Scottish. He then makes a penis reference, which JoJo laughs off. He is going to lose.

Canadian guy 1 comes across as a dick, which is like finding bigfoot.

Guitar man plays the guitar in front of everyone. No one appreciates it. Meanwhile, no one is drinking anything brown, which I find deeply disturbing.

Saint Nick gives her a present. Does he know that Saint Nick is old and fat and as far as I know objectively unsexy? Daniel the Dick Canadian disapproves again, and this time I can’t blame him.

Chase wears a fake mustache and uses a joke my former roommate used. Of course, Logan had a mustache, so I think he wins.

An architect arrives with blue stress balls and tells her to squeeze them when she’s stressed. Bad precedent to set for a relationship.

Someone with the occupation “Hipster” shows up. I don’t know exactly how the rules work, but I don’t think you can be a Hipster if you walk around saying you’re a Hipster.

Vinny the Barber brings a piece of toast as a joke.

Grumpy BadScruff says he is not threatened.

Grumpy BadScruff

Grumpy BadScruff

Hipster is impressed by the a capella group another guy brought. He seems easily impressed, which is also very not-hipster of him.

Guy with brothers arrives on a motorcycle and offers to teach her to ride it. Strong play. Knucks, motorcycle guy.

Stoner voice man arrives on a horse with a fake horn and assures her it is not a real unicorn. The horse is named coconut, though, and that’s pretty adorable. She digs Luke.

Mingling time!

I’m going to punch Santa if he says “Jo Jo Jo Jo” again. But then I’d break the monitor Weems gave me and have to ask Santa for one. I guess I’ll just drink instead.

Everyone is upset that someone grabbed JoJo right off the bat, which is curious because unless no one moves, SOMEone has to go first.

Grumpy BadScruff complains some more. Yawn.

Derek claims to be a nerd. I’m not saying he’s lying, just that you shouldn’t be going out of your way to declare it to everyone. Yes, I have a website focusing on Game of Thrones and the Bachelor franchise, why do you ask?

The guys are psyching themselves out, which I suppose is natural. Luckily, that should lead to more drinking, which leads to more material. Jordan is getting a lot of face time, and goes for the back rub. Reluctant knucks, brother-of-my-tormentor.

Someone mentions he is called CoCo, meaning they’d be CoCo and JoJo. More like NoNo, amIright? Eyyyyoooooo!

A guy in a purple suit breaks out one of the future-telling devices girls in my school used to make. I still don’t know how those things work. JoJo was not ready to kiss him. He’ll be going home early.

Jordan is back to go for a kiss again! JoJo necks a little with him, and he still can’t quite come through. GO FOR IT JORDAN, YOUR BROTHER WON AN NFL MVP!

Aaaaaaaaaaaand he does! JoJo likes the kiss, and they get a little snog in. She also likes his butt, so he’s got an early lead and will probably be getting the First Impression rose. I wish I had done some analytics on how many times the First Impression recipient won.

The guy who brought the a capella band feels like he’s cheating. Don’t worry buddy, that’s only an advantage in your own mind.

Grumpy BadScruff gets his own time with JoJo, and explains he’s ready for marriage. He’s not rugged or tough, JoJo, he just trims his beard poorly. She finds something sexy about him, but can’t place it. I know what it is, though! It’s that he can’t string enough words together to make conversation, making him seem mysterious.

Angry Canadian tries to work in a viral Youtube reference. He is drowning. Isn’t there a firefighter? Maybe he can save him.

One guy is drinking whiskey, thankfully.

The Angry Canadian is winning the drunk title right now, despite seeming aware of his level of intoxication. Apparently not enough to slow him down. The Fifth Element ED Doctor says there is no reason to push a man’s belly button, but I wonder if he would do it to cure someone’s ED. He should be obligated to, right?

Angry Canadian gets down to his underwear, and is called White Canadian Wasted by another contestant, which I kind of love. Knucks for that nickname.

The Hipster says, “Damn, Daniel”. He is definitively not a Hipster.

A couple of contestants are hoping others continue drinking excessively. Good thought, but they should be encouraging more. Get behind the bar! Start mixing cocktails! Put in work to sabotage your competition!

Wasted men say hello during JoJo’s soliloquy time. To her credit, she takes it very much in stride with a smile on her face, which Kat can tell you is not easy and I can tell you is appreciated.

Bearded man kind of looks like the shark from Finding Nemo crossed with Ashton Kutcher.

Angry Canadian still hasn’t gotten dressed, but he does seem less angry. Given my stance on pants, I can see a connection there.

Damn, bartender-with-successful-siblings can play some serious piano. Knucks, bartender-with-successful-siblings.

NO JOJO DON’T SIT ON SANTA’S LAP! THAT’S ENCOURAGING BAD BEHAVIOR! Under the beard and hat, Santa is understandably sweaty.

Texans are definitely doing well so far. Luke bought her some cowboy boots, which is nice, but how would he get the size right? Do they get a cheatsheet? Does everyone get the same cheatsheet? If so, why doesn’t anyone else bring gifts? So many questions!

Jordan Rodgers wins the First Impression rose (called it). Rodgerses always win. Stupid sexy Rodgerses.

Grumpy BadScruff doesn’t think Jordan is genuine despite never speaking to him. He’s probably not biased, though.

The Rose Ceremony commences. Nervous looks abound. Someone else arrives in a limo, and the tension builds until it’s revealed to be…………….some guy!

I’ve never seen this guy before, but I assume he’s a former contestant. Or maybe the guy who sent her the note before she took Ben on a hometown date.

Nope, former Bachelor named Jake. Apparently a family friend. He pretends to confess his feelings for her but really advises her to fall in love. Thanks Jake, brilliant.

Winners this week: Luke with the Unicorn, Wells the A Capella Enthusiast, James Guitar Guy, Grant the Firefighter, Derek from Jacksonville?, Guy with Brothers, Grumpy BadScruff, Chase the…?, Pushups Alex, Robby(ie?) Yellow-Tie, Brandon the Definitely-Not-a-Hipster, James Boxing Gloves, Ali the Piano Player with Successful Siblings, Santa (someone end this charade!), Vinny the Wasted and Angry, Will Please Enunciate, James S JokerSuit, Fifth Evanment, and Daniel the mostly-naked Canadian. She gives him a kiss that must smell like booze.

It’s a bit too early to get into Power Rankings, but the extremely wasted contestants this episode probably don’t stand much of a chance. Early frontrunners include Rodgers, Grumpy BadScruff, and Luke and James from Texas.

Good luck, JoJo! We’ll see you next week!

If you were playing the QQ Bachelor(ette) Drinking Game, you would have racked up 27 drinks based on the rules at the time! Not nearly enough for two hours. We'll keep working on it.

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